What to do Next??????

This is a reoccurring theme in our house.  What do we do next, where do we go from here?   When facing infertility the resolve and answer to those questions won't come until I have a baby in my arms.  But in the mean time what do we do next?  This is what we have done next for the last six years.  

When you have been trying for 6 months or so and you are starting to get a little worried, what you do next is try to forget about and don't stress out.  I am not a real pro at relaxing and doing nothing so I bought books on natural fertility, the one I would recommend is "Taking Charge of Your Fertility"  I started taking my BBT (basal body temperature)  I would recommend this for someone who is trying and starting to worry about it.  It helps you feel a little more in control and it taught me a lot about my body.  But do try to remember that it takes the average couple one year to get pregnant.
  
What about when 1 year comes around and still no baby?  What do you do then, do you go to the doctor or still try to not worry so much?  Then when you go to the Doctor and find no problems, what to do next?  For us we started on Clomid (ovulation stimulating oral medication)  after we had been trying for over two years.  It took me awhile to get up the courage to go to the Doctor, I very much feared bad news so I put it off.  I wouldn't recommend that, I should have gone sooner.  But then, after 4 months on Clomid and still nothing what do we do next?  More tests, an ultrasound revealed a uterine fibroid.  Aahah!  an answer, we were so excited we finally found the problem and fixed it now nothing is standing in the way of us getting pregnant!  Well.......what do you do next after 6 more months have gone by and still no baby?  Back to the Doctor, to try IUI (intrauterine insemination)  no baby, no baby, no baby, no baby............4 rounds later and no success, what do we do next?  After the last round of IUI, we said if this doesn't work let's take a break, regroup and in a few months figure out our finances and really decide what we can afford to start a family. 

It seems really unfair that some people seem to sneeze and just get pregnant while others of us have to gamble every penny we've got to try and get a family, but those are the cards we've been dealt so lets figure out how to play them.  We doubled down and literally spent every penny we had to try IVF (invitro fertilization)  In December of 2011 I started on stimulation medication and in January spent most of the month out of town at the fertility clinic, the drugs the side affects the ultrasounds everyday, the missed work, everything was worth it because we had made a decision on what to do next and we moved forward.  

What do you do next when IVF doesn't work?  When this round of IVF failed it was a crushing blow.  I can't tell you how familiar the feeling of being punched in the gut is when dealing with infertility, it can be something as simple as an unkind word from someone who just put their foot in their mouth trying to talk to you about infertility. It is when a friend or relative announces they are pregnant.  It is when your doctor gives you some bad news.  It is when you are a few days late and your pregnancy test is negative.  It is every month when your cycle shows up again.  Going through infertility is like getting beat up all the time.  What do you do next when you feel like you're being beat up all the time?  I can tell you that you just get better at dealing with the blows life throws you. 
 
It has been almost 5 months since we went through IVF. When the doctors said we only got one fertilized egg out of 13 I didn't know if I could even breath anymore but I did.  When that one fertilized egg miraculously  made it thru the night, I knew what it felt like to be a mother; to not breath while waiting to see if your child made it thru the night; and when the doctor called to say it did make it and was on track; the breath and weight that came out of me, I didn't know I was capable of carrying.  Three days later we transferred that one embryo, it was still a long shot but I really felt like this was going to be our miracle!   10 days later was the blood test to determine if we had a pregnancy and when we got the call that we didn't, I for a moment didn't want to breath anymore.  But it was just a moment and it will be for you too, they are all just moments and you will make it thru and I believe anyone who wants a family will figure out a way someday somehow. 

I was sick and exhausted and admittedly depressed but in February I made a New Years Resolution.  I don't typically make New Years Resolution but I needed to snap out of it so this is what I came up with...

My New Years Resolution:
"To face my battles with greater resolve and optimism, to live my life so that people will smile when they remember me, and to remember it only takes one good egg!"

After that resolution within myself I got back on track. We were smack dab in the middle of calving season, which is a magical time of year.  An exhausting time of year but beautiful the same.  We have all our calves on the ground now, the grass is green and the sky is blue.  Next week we will move the cattle from their winter range to their summer mountain pasture.  It is a very difficult time of year to feel sorry for myself, I am very blessed to live in the kind of fantasy land I do with a husband that is the stuff dreams are made of!  We are back in a place where we can ask ourselves what to do next?  We talked with an adoption agency and filled out some paperwork, we are working on getting our home study done so we can be eligible if that is the direction we decide to take.  We have not given up on IVF we may try again when we sell our crop in the fall. 

The best advice that has been given to me is to keep moving forward, put one foot in front of the other and always take steps towards your goal.  Our goal is to have a family, it is taking us on a journey we never expected but if we keep moving forward we will get there one way or another.  When I started writing this post I was looking at this question in a negative way,"What to do Next???"  I was feeling frustrated with why do I have to keep asking that, why can't I just have my answer?  Twenty minutes later I have grown as a person again!  The growth that comes with struggle is painful, literally growing pains and I am wore out and tired of the struggle, however,  I am feeling lucky to be able to ask that question to have options to ponder, decisions to make, steps to take!